Today I found myself somewhere where I have never wanted to be. Feeling something i have never wanted to feel and more than anything hurting someone i could never ever forgive myself for. To say things got out of hand would be an understatement. My brain is going into over drive, my heart pounding through my chest and my entire body is an anxious mess. There are things I would like to say to you right now, that I am screaming from my brain but my lips are failing to open. Everything would just be a mumbling mess and more than certain i would end up crying.
I know as of tonight I will never hear from you again. I know that for sure. And I wish I could say that at least spending that one night with you was something worth thinking about over and over again. But it’s not. We have barely said anything to each other, nor have we made much eye contact. And I have never been more uncomfortable in my own apartment and my own skin.
We both know how much I hate apologizing, how I hate admitting defeat but right now I am at my weakest and am literally unable to pick myself up. I’m sorry for all that I have done, for everything I have put you through, the amount of times I have made you feel inferior, and the lies. But I’m not sorry for what’s happened, for how I was with you. You saw me exactly the way I am, and whether you want to believe that or not, it won’t ever change. I was always myself towards you, everything I kept inside you knew. You are still the only person who knows everything about me, but i know you will cut me out.
That’s the difference between you and me.